I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
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The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.