When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
You Might Also Like
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.