If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
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*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list