An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
You Might Also Like
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
those birds must be on payroll
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos