“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
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My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
FRED: right
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Sunday
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.