oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
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Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
#Caturday
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
True statement👍😏😁
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?