I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
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My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Breaking news:
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”