I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
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Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.