I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
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Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.