I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
You Might Also Like
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?