Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
You Might Also Like
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
I’d use my best pan on you.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.