priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
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*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
🤣😂🤣
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.