31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
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I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
the three genders
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
lmfao
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way