Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
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In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen