You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
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One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Before crowbars crows drank alone
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic