How do German people not choke to death when they talk
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I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
do horses think humans are hats
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free