[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
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Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French