When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
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The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
When they try to steal your moment.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
This woman is my idol. Free her.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.