Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
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governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.