“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
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I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 馃槈
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
dictator is short for richard potato
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Me: I can鈥檛 wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What鈥檚 my dentist鈥檚 name again?
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine鈥uess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his馃槑
I鈥檇 prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.