Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
You Might Also Like
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
I think this should do it.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators