87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
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I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*