Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
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{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.