Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
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You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”