No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
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ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
calling in to work dehydrated
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas