I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
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My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.