Dance like you’re not the father
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Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Heroic Misunderstanding
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
#titanic
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out