I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
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My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.