My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
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“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is