*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
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Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.