I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
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Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.