Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
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Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.