You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
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*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.