80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
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Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!