Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
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Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
my retirement plan is braless
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.