“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
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“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Me, telling my kids weâre leaving in 30 minutes: Weâre leaving in 5 minutes.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
[Looks up from Rubikâs Cube] Itâs two thousand and what now??
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy thatâs in my pocket.
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Me: whaddu mean ânoâ
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to âsave hella timeâ
Me:
Pale people: Iâm so white that Iâm translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Welcome to your 40âs. Quality pens turn you on now.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadnât seen in so long, I almost didnât recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other oneâs hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasnât them.
My wife is still laughing
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken đđđđ
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a âliving room family,â not a âbedroom familyâ because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didnât feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Men, Iâm going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I donât make the rules, itâs a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Baileyâs in my coffee, right?
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.