Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
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when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Wait a minute…
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?