Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
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Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Good point.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
This is amazing.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer: