My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
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Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
[shakes fist at other fist]
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.