Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
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In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!