Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
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IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
My what?
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
What a year we’ve had this week.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.