Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
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“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.