You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
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I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*