Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
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The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
me when I see my crush
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.