Why are bridges so flammable.
You Might Also Like
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
smartest karate player in the world
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.