“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
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Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?