*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
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My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
channeling her this year
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
“You’d better run, egg!”
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!