WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
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Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
WWE is French for “yes”
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.