If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
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Zack Greinke stories are the best
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Introverted vegans go meetless
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶