“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
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I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
At least try to make it slightly believable
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-